Lemongrass Ways - Reflection on Episode 4

Lemongrass ways-

I was hoping to make at least 5 episodes for the project in class. I had enough content for 6 episodes, that have been condensed into 4. This project has been incredibly exciting, but also the hardest thing I have yet to recognize.

I say this, because Episode 4 was the first of the episodes where I was unable to get an audience member to share the meal, and then share some art. It made me think about why I was doing the project, some of the challenges I’d been facing- and specifically, if it was OK to go against the parameters that I had set for myself. To be frank, a big motivator was that I needed to get content up. Haha, if this was some cooking competition- it’d be apt to say that I was/am living in the last few minutes with judges and hosts yelling “get it on the plate.”

What I discovered was that this fear, and anxiety is what held me back. I think that a lot of people go through procrastination phases, also I had a few major setbacks with my home this term- but after a lot of reflection- I couldn’t figure out what my anxiety was. And I realize it now- so it isn’t so much learning as recognition- it was the deep rooted fear of how it would be received, and the resistance to posting content… led to a spiral effect.

After each lecture that I listened to, I started writing blogs and posts, and for whatever reason- I just let them sit in my drafts. I don’t know where I picked up this habit of avoidance and fearing the work. Suffice it to say, now, reviewing them, writing them, and getting them up has been… uncomfortable and embarrassing. I haven’t been in a classroom with more than one student, as a student in a long time. Most of my work has been individual readings etc. And I lost sight of what the core part of the class was- the social/community based learning that’s so important to open learning.

So here I am, writing this reflection- with the reality that not many people will read it in time for our last lecture. But I gotta do it. I need to get something on the plate.

All that said- looking at Episode 4, there is still a lot I got from it. And I mention it in my video intro to my poem. What I got was the reason I asked to do this project to begin with. What happened with this project and this course, is that we became a network that I agreed to, but didn’t realize what I was getting into. And the priority for me was more about what I wanted to get, as opposed to engaging and connecting- in many ways, I was practicing out of a broadcast mentality- where I communicated to the masses (the class) and failed to recognize the responses back- because I don’t think I was expecting any.

It wasn’t until I received comments, and actual viewership that I realized- “oh people are listening.” Which made me suddenly feel way more visible. As an artist, though I practice in online performance- I really prefer/need a sense of immediacy with my audience. Because then I can see, and process your reaction and that, for me, establishes the relationship.

I mentioned in my last blog post about Bonnie Stewarts lecture, and in my last video about my experiences with the media. Part of the vulnerability I felt was in realizing just how visibly ‘gay’ I was. And to clarify- I’m comfortable in my own skin, and have no judgments on what would be considered stereotypical behavior- no I’m simply stating how identifiable I was/am- and the implications that has on my family/personal network. The last time that happened, I was left homeless and disowned for a while. But that didn’t compare to the heat, and attack that my parents experienced- from our relatives, from the Asian community we were a part of. And I really have/had to question if I was ready to do this again, for marks, in a class.

For the project, I made a choice to make my videos public. Anyone who looks up ingredients/recipes/anything I’m cooking could potentially see them. The reality is- they’re more likely to look up my name, than some recipe. And I had to consider if I was willing to do that- it’s a continual question. How much am I consenting to? When I’ve already shared this much- will it make a difference? This is by no means a point of bravery, I’m not proud or ashamed of my work, but it’s a continual “what if” that continues to be present in my process.

The spark of this train of thought came from comments on my actual poems. I was taken a back by the reaction, and positive feedback. I did not think anyone would actually listen to my work. That poem, ‘Shikataga Nai’ from Episode 1, went on to do quite well- nationally, and in other competitions. But what was video’d was a very rough, early draft, set to music, in a jam. It was everything I wanted it to be at the time, but it was by no means- my ‘best’ performance. So when it still was received well- I was surprised and felt more vulnerable than any ‘gay’ performance.

So in this semi-ramble reflection- as reflections sometimes are, I’m realizing more and more, how vulnerable we actually are, and how much we reveal of ourselves online.

Poets in the Kitchen Episode 3 reflection thus far!!!!

More than any episode I think Poets In The Kitchen Episode 3 has been the most revealing, most successful, and closest to the products that I want to create. I’ve decided that this project is going to continue- even beyond this class.

At the same time, I feel incredibly vulnerable with the video. In all my videos, I don’t make a public statement about my sexual orientation, for a lot of reasons. The primary reason- is that I am making a point to not make an issue of it. I perform myself all the time, I made/make a choice to be as authentic as possible and not try to hide. One thing that I’ve learned is that, especially with the cameras rolling, if I have close friends I trust, and good company around me- I’m more likely to act like myself in the most candid way. Much like the strategies I’ve learned from watching reality tv (specifically for this course- I don’t watch reality tv much- beyond top chef J). The other main reason is that I’ve had incredibly challenging relationships with media, and being public.

One experience was in 2004 when I attended the first gay wedding convention with my then- ex-fiance, Jordan. To this day, I say that we weren’t planning on wearing matching cream sweaters, scarves, satchels…. But gay marriage was a hot topic in Canada, and they got a shot of us looking at orchids. Of course. I asked to now have my last name used, but they did it anyway. I believe it was the Toronto Star. I was still unphased- I was already out to my family- though we never talked about it- and I was relatively convinced that “they don’t read the Star or the Globe or whatever the paper was.” Anyway- unfortunately, the convention was in the same print as some major awards- i.e. the Golden Globes or Oscars or something… and it was immediately in the section behind it, so it ended up in many papers, the metro, 24… and word got out... Hard. I learned that it wasn’t about coming out to my family, but it was my family coming out to the ENTIRE Asian community and the networks therein. People from Alberta were commenting. This led to a stint of disownment, homelessness, and a lot of strife between myself and my family. To this day, I get calls whenever Pride comes around- “make sure you don’t end up on TV.” To be clear, I wasn’t the victim here- I created a situation based on my public performance of my sexual orientation that hurt my family.

The most telling part of this episode for me, was my performance at the end fo the video. I recently performed the piece at the Canadian Festival of Spoken Word. It was so well received that I was asked to perform it on the Final Stage as a highlight from the festival… and that is a huge honor.

One thing about performance and art/performance art, there is often a discussion of rehearsal, authenticity, replicability and repetition. For my guest on episode 3, I had Michelle Ilbalio, a friend, screenwriter, and coworker. I was expecting to read some of her sides, or have her talk about her writing, but nerves got the best of her… which often happens to everyone, especially those who prefer to be- behind the scenes. So I ended up performing the piece, it’s titled ‘Ferry Man.’ It’s a play on words, referencing “Fairy” (a historical pejorative for queer man) and Kheron, the ferry man in Greek Mythology. The poem was inspired by, and is an account of sexual violence against young men- specifically in a religious context of the Christian Church. I have experienced sexual violence in this context and others. It’s been a journey to come through it. I still identify as Christian, but the poem is a comment on religion, and hypocrisy/fallibility of men in power in the Church, closeted men, who- so repressed, become predators, and the men who have survived despite them.

For me, what’s telling, is that I’ve performed that piece 4 times in this final iteration. The first time, was for a poetry slam as part of the CFSW Festival in Victoria. The moment of being on stage, actually competing with this personal story was overwhelming. I have many strategies in my arsenal as a conservatory trained actor to decompress, enter, and exit a performance safely and to practice self care… but I was so lost in the piece… It was really well received. Standing ovation. But after I performed, I had to leave the stage to take a few minutes to return to a more public state. I performed it again at the Final Stage, which were the finals of the festival. But having just performed it a couple days before, and with little notice about performing it again- it lacked a lot of the energy and commitment. I was less honest… correction… I was as honest as I could have been. Anyway, that brings us to episode 3. I thought, ok, this is in my living room, in my new kitchen, I can make this facebook friendly, and youtube accessible, and it will be watered down- but perhaps because it was such a personal space. It totally ‘dropped in’ (as we actors say) with little difficulty. I was less prepared for what happened on camera. And it shows in my reactions after.

So what I’m trying to say is, that I’m openly performing my sexual orientation in the episode. Fears and anxiety about family seeing this, or people I know seeing this… are not… small. I’m not taking risks for this class. I’m making choices because I feel it’s time to.

There are too many silenced voices. I speak from a male voice, even if it’s from a person of colour’s voice, but a voice of relative priviledge in Canada. If we want to make things better… my family is strong enough to bare the resistance of the community they live in. I also don’t think it’s likely they’ll viralize a random blog vs. a national paper J.

For me this reflection is about talks from Bonnie Stuart on performing self, and also ties in the guest lectures of storytelling, and Audrey Walters speak about gendered lines… and really- identity.

What I take away from this episode is I’m much more aware of how when we perform ourselves- we consciously perform what we think we want people to see, but may not realize what we never intended for people to see. I recognize now that, perhaps unconsciously, subconsciously, I wanted my friends as a live support for these revelations. And that we are not performing only ourselves, but performing our networks, our histories, simply by realizing that those memories and connections helped form how we behave in the present.

I’m now speaking both about episode 3, and also episode 2. It’s strange the contrast being being in a group setting, vs. being very intimate with only one guest.

What is also interesting which I can talk more on later is how peers, colleagues, friends- all of them, commented on ‘how natural I was on camera, how the camera loves me, because I am very comfortable and personable to the camera.” I chalk this up to some solid theatre/film training, but it also made me focus more on how I am on camera, and playing up that “strength.” By focusing on that, and trying to heighten that- I discovered how much more of the rest of my self that I revealed.

I hope you enjoy episode 3! Please let me know if you make it at home and share comments!!!!!!

Johnny.