More than any episode I think Poets In The Kitchen Episode 3
has been the most revealing, most successful, and closest to the products that
I want to create. I’ve decided that this project is going to continue- even
beyond this class.
At the same time, I feel incredibly vulnerable with the
video. In all my videos, I don’t make a public statement about my sexual
orientation, for a lot of reasons. The primary reason- is that I am making a
point to not make an issue of it. I perform myself all the time, I made/make a
choice to be as authentic as possible and not try to hide. One thing that I’ve
learned is that, especially with the cameras rolling, if I have close friends I
trust, and good company around me- I’m more likely to act like myself in the
most candid way. Much like the strategies I’ve learned from watching reality tv
(specifically for this course- I don’t watch reality tv much- beyond top chef J). The other main
reason is that I’ve had incredibly challenging relationships with media, and
being public.
One experience was in 2004 when I attended the first gay
wedding convention with my then- ex-fiance, Jordan. To this day, I say that we
weren’t planning on wearing matching cream sweaters, scarves, satchels…. But
gay marriage was a hot topic in Canada, and they got a shot of us looking at
orchids. Of course. I asked to now have my last name used, but they did it
anyway. I believe it was the Toronto Star. I was still unphased- I was already
out to my family- though we never talked about it- and I was relatively
convinced that “they don’t read the Star or the Globe or whatever the paper
was.” Anyway- unfortunately, the convention was in the same print as some major
awards- i.e. the Golden Globes or Oscars or something… and it was immediately
in the section behind it, so it ended up in many papers, the metro, 24… and
word got out... Hard. I learned that it wasn’t about coming out to my family,
but it was my family coming out to the ENTIRE Asian community and the networks
therein. People from Alberta were commenting. This led to a stint of
disownment, homelessness, and a lot of strife between myself and my family. To
this day, I get calls whenever Pride comes around- “make sure you don’t end up
on TV.” To be clear, I wasn’t the victim here- I created a situation based on
my public performance of my sexual orientation that hurt my family.
The most telling part of this episode for me, was my
performance at the end fo the video. I recently performed the piece at the
Canadian Festival of Spoken Word. It was so well received that I was asked to
perform it on the Final Stage as a highlight from the festival… and that is a
huge honor.
One thing about performance and art/performance art, there
is often a discussion of rehearsal, authenticity, replicability and repetition.
For my guest on episode 3, I had Michelle Ilbalio, a friend, screenwriter, and
coworker. I was expecting to read some of her sides, or have her talk about her
writing, but nerves got the best of her… which often happens to everyone,
especially those who prefer to be- behind the scenes. So I ended up performing
the piece, it’s titled ‘Ferry Man.’ It’s a play on words, referencing “Fairy”
(a historical pejorative for queer man) and Kheron, the ferry man in Greek
Mythology. The poem was inspired by, and is an account of sexual violence
against young men- specifically in a religious context of the Christian Church.
I have experienced sexual violence in this context and others. It’s been a
journey to come through it. I still identify as Christian, but the poem is a
comment on religion, and hypocrisy/fallibility of men in power in the Church,
closeted men, who- so repressed, become predators, and the men who have
survived despite them.
For me, what’s telling, is that I’ve performed that piece 4
times in this final iteration. The first time, was for a poetry slam as part of
the CFSW Festival in Victoria. The moment of being on stage, actually competing
with this personal story was overwhelming. I have many strategies in my arsenal
as a conservatory trained actor to decompress, enter, and exit a performance
safely and to practice self care… but I was so lost in the piece… It was really
well received. Standing ovation. But after I performed, I had to leave the
stage to take a few minutes to return to a more public state. I performed it
again at the Final Stage, which were the finals of the festival. But having
just performed it a couple days before, and with little notice about performing
it again- it lacked a lot of the energy and commitment. I was less honest…
correction… I was as honest as I could have been. Anyway, that brings us to
episode 3. I thought, ok, this is in my living room, in my new kitchen, I can
make this facebook friendly, and youtube accessible, and it will be watered
down- but perhaps because it was such a personal space. It totally ‘dropped in’
(as we actors say) with little difficulty. I was less prepared for what
happened on camera. And it shows in my reactions after.
So what I’m trying to say is, that I’m openly performing my
sexual orientation in the episode. Fears and anxiety about family seeing this,
or people I know seeing this… are not… small. I’m not taking risks for this
class. I’m making choices because I feel it’s time to.
There are too many silenced voices. I speak from a male
voice, even if it’s from a person of colour’s voice, but a voice of relative
priviledge in Canada. If we want to make things better… my family is strong
enough to bare the resistance of the community they live in. I also don’t think
it’s likely they’ll viralize a random blog vs. a national paper J.
For me this reflection is about talks from Bonnie Stuart on
performing self, and also ties in the guest lectures of storytelling, and
Audrey Walters speak about gendered lines… and really- identity.
What I take away from this episode is I’m much more aware of
how when we perform ourselves- we
consciously perform what we think we want people to see, but may not realize
what we never intended for people to see. I recognize now that, perhaps
unconsciously, subconsciously, I wanted my friends as a live support for these
revelations. And that we are not performing only ourselves, but performing our
networks, our histories, simply by realizing that those memories and
connections helped form how we behave in the present.
I’m now speaking both about episode 3, and also episode 2.
It’s strange the contrast being being in a group setting, vs. being very
intimate with only one guest.
What is also interesting which I can talk more on later is
how peers, colleagues, friends- all of them, commented on ‘how natural I was on
camera, how the camera loves me, because I am very comfortable and personable
to the camera.” I chalk this up to some solid theatre/film training, but it
also made me focus more on how I am on camera, and playing up that “strength.”
By focusing on that, and trying to heighten that- I discovered how much more of
the rest of my self that I revealed.
I hope you enjoy episode 3! Please let me know if you make it
at home and share comments!!!!!!
Johnny.
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