Lemongrass ways-
I was hoping to make at least 5 episodes for the project in
class. I had enough content for 6 episodes, that have been condensed into 4.
This project has been incredibly exciting, but also the hardest thing I have
yet to recognize.
I say this, because Episode 4 was the first of the episodes
where I was unable to get an audience member to share the meal, and then share
some art. It made me think about why I was doing the project, some of the
challenges I’d been facing- and specifically, if it was OK to go against the
parameters that I had set for myself. To be frank, a big motivator was that I
needed to get content up. Haha, if this was some cooking competition- it’d be
apt to say that I was/am living in the last few minutes with judges and hosts
yelling “get it on the plate.”
What I discovered was that this fear, and anxiety is what
held me back. I think that a lot of people go through procrastination phases,
also I had a few major setbacks with my home this term- but after a lot of
reflection- I couldn’t figure out what my anxiety was. And I realize it now- so
it isn’t so much learning as recognition- it was the deep rooted fear of how it
would be received, and the resistance to posting content… led to a spiral
effect.
After each lecture that I listened to, I started writing
blogs and posts, and for whatever reason- I just let them sit in my drafts. I
don’t know where I picked up this habit of avoidance and fearing the work.
Suffice it to say, now, reviewing them, writing them, and getting them up has
been… uncomfortable and embarrassing. I haven’t been in a classroom with more
than one student, as a student in a long time. Most of my work has been
individual readings etc. And I lost sight of what the core part of the class
was- the social/community based learning that’s so important to open learning.
So here I am, writing this reflection- with the reality that
not many people will read it in time for our last lecture. But I gotta do it. I
need to get something on the plate.
All that said- looking at Episode 4, there is still a lot I
got from it. And I mention it in my video intro to my poem. What I got was the
reason I asked to do this project to begin with. What happened with this
project and this course, is that we became a network that I agreed to, but
didn’t realize what I was getting into. And the priority for me was more about
what I wanted to get, as opposed to engaging and connecting- in many ways, I
was practicing out of a broadcast mentality- where I communicated to the masses
(the class) and failed to recognize the responses back- because I don’t think I
was expecting any.
It wasn’t until I received comments, and actual viewership
that I realized- “oh people are listening.” Which made me suddenly feel way
more visible. As an artist, though I practice in online performance- I really
prefer/need a sense of immediacy with my audience. Because then I can see, and
process your reaction and that, for me, establishes the relationship.
I mentioned in my last blog post about Bonnie Stewarts lecture,
and in my last video about my experiences with the media. Part of the
vulnerability I felt was in realizing just how visibly ‘gay’ I was. And to
clarify- I’m comfortable in my own skin, and have no judgments on what would be
considered stereotypical behavior- no I’m simply stating how identifiable I
was/am- and the implications that has on my family/personal network. The last
time that happened, I was left homeless and disowned for a while. But that didn’t
compare to the heat, and attack that my parents experienced- from our
relatives, from the Asian community we were a part of. And I really have/had to
question if I was ready to do this again, for marks, in a class.
For the project, I made a choice to make my videos public.
Anyone who looks up ingredients/recipes/anything I’m cooking could potentially
see them. The reality is- they’re more likely to look up my name, than some
recipe. And I had to consider if I was willing to do that- it’s a continual
question. How much am I consenting to? When I’ve already shared this much- will
it make a difference? This is by no means a point of bravery, I’m not proud or
ashamed of my work, but it’s a continual “what if” that continues to be present
in my process.
The spark of this train of thought came from comments on my
actual poems. I was taken a back by the reaction, and positive feedback. I did
not think anyone would actually listen to my work. That poem, ‘Shikataga Nai’
from Episode 1, went on to do quite well- nationally, and in other
competitions. But what was video’d was a very rough, early draft, set to music,
in a jam. It was everything I wanted it to be at the time, but it was by no
means- my ‘best’ performance. So when it still was received well- I was surprised
and felt more vulnerable than any ‘gay’ performance.
So in this semi-ramble reflection- as reflections sometimes
are, I’m realizing more and more, how vulnerable we actually are, and how much
we reveal of ourselves online.
No comments:
Post a Comment